很悲哀吧~我又对自己的心不诚实了，我原以为，回不了头只应有淡淡的惆怅，但原来千头万绪，百般滋味缠绕心头，使人心烦忧。
看起来很简单的事，我好像又把它给复杂化了。
想起那天的事，头就好痛。
老师有事缺席了，我收到班长的信息，一心想通知其他同学。奈何之前的手机坏了，我仓促间只抄下了几个重要的电话号码，准备在发生紧急事故时派上用场，所以新手机电话簿里，只存了两个同学的电话，一个是惠凌的，一个是莉荃的。abigail的号码没抄到，结果那信息我只转发给两个人。当时本着的是一件事归一件事的心态，鼓起了勇气才把键钮按下去的。怎么说也是同学，老师缺席的事她也有权利知道，我并没有趁着这个机会故意不告诉她，害她早到，我的心也不至于可以腐烂到那样的地步。所以我还是发了。真的以为已经无话可说了，可是不久后我收到了他的信息，信息里是感谢。那时的我心里有一股隐隐的快乐感觉，只是我还不想承认。我想了很久，才回了一封信息给她，也只是一句不用客气，附加一个符号式笑脸:)...噢~我的天~我准是疯了~~~
今天得过且过，一天又过了。
我始终无法释怀，真的。那烦恼至今仍萦绕在我的脑海，挥之不去。曾经想过一大堆我能做的事，但是最好的方法似乎只是在她的面前，和惠凌保持距离。如果不这么做，我自己会愧疚，现在是我把他们拆散了。我这么做还有一个原因，那就是，至少在她的面前，我们不亲密，她也不会太鼻酸。我不知道她会否介意，但我已试着，在她面前，尽量避免和她多交谈。我也有想过和惠凌谈谈，你们可以说话啊~那时的我不想再介入了，所以这么想，但是到了现在，我依然是这么想的，只因自觉亏欠她太多。但是她很干脆，很潇洒，真的不说话就不说话。我不晓得他们私底下有没有交谈，至少我所见到的是，他们现在就连一句话也谈不上了。我现在是越来越于心有愧了我~~~不知道自己还能做什么。。。很想说让时间倒流，我不会发脾气，他们也就没事了。
究竟我还能怎么做？似乎没有其他法子了。
老实说，后悔得很哪~但我已经不能作什么了。。。有啊~道歉？唉~不行~不行~我自己最了解我自己了~像道歉这种低声下气的事，就算是打死我也不会去。。。作罢！作罢！让他们两个和好？对啊~我有想过，因为不想再背负着拆散他们的罪名度日了~但~我只和惠凌聊起这个话题那么一次，我不知道他脸上的表情究竟代表些什么，看起来有些不情愿，似乎不想聊到这个话题。我不知道她是没听清楚，抑或是还有其他原因，但是她的表情怪怪地，我怕她生气，只好把话锋一转，岔到别处去。一直到现在，我绝口不提。怎么说导火线还是我，那愧疚感就好似煮开水，水一旦煮开了，滚滚冒着烟，这时你要是伸手去靠近那些沸腾的水分子，很可能会被喷出来的开水滴烫伤。而我就是怕被烫伤，才不敢去碰那开水，也没有把煤气给熄掉的勇气，我知道自己是胆小到家了。。。我现在所能做的，就只是等，等那开水它自己慢慢冷却，直到我能触碰的温度为止。
或许你会觉得很悲哀。是啊~我自己也这么认为。我好像在强求，那种程度已经到了连我自己都无法想象的地步了。这令我开始时曾一度怀疑自己是同性恋者，我对她的好似乎已经超越了我会对自己所喜欢的男生的好，我还会妒嫉，吃醋，这怎么可能？怎么可以呢？但是冷静下来以后，再想想，我其实是喜欢男生的啦！对她好是因为她是我最好的朋友，她的性格和我最像了，也为了不想放开一个和我这么契合的好朋友，才会打翻了醋坛子。
找个人来了解我好不好？拜托~我快疯了。。。我不求得到你们的理解，但是只要有一个人明白我就好了，哪怕是半个人也好。
你们都没有毒，有毒的是我，我是头号危险人物，所以还是跟你们保持安全距离比较好。但是，没有人知道我为什么那么做，就算是推敲动机，也决计推敲不到那里去。我不能不回答，但是隔着他们两个回答，我也不知道该说些什么。天啊~救苦救难大慈大悲观世音菩萨！！！
告诉我，我该怎么做？
这是个很好的问题。答案是：没有答案~~~
拜托，我正苦恼该如何收场的时候正逢考试佳节，天啊~毙了我吧~~~~~
我不知道该怎么形容现在的心情，可以说是五味杂陈。
我看见她说，算了，反正我一直以来都被当成坏人惯了。我苦笑，原来她还不明白我说的话是何义。我从来没把她想成是坏人，我也知道她不是坏人，我也没说，在这件事情上，她是坏人。她很好，是个好人，是我这个人太敏感，承受不了被冷落的滋味。而且，我不是那种多话的人，偶尔很幼稚，还容易发脾气，所以遇到事情都只会钻牛角尖，总的来说，我这人的确很难相处。
曾经想过自己为什么总是被冷落？有什么问题吗？想了想还是觉得是自己的问题。但是我觉得每个人都会有自己的一套，就好似每个人都有不同的样貌，头发，等等诸类。我也会有属于我自己的，与别人相处的一套。但是看来，这一套并不讨好，甚至可以说是很糟糕。我不知道，但应该是吧。否则从小到大，我的人缘就不会那么糟了。可见大家都不喜欢这一套。但是我能怎么样呢？改变我自己吗？但是我觉得没有必要啊！每个人都有缺点，每个人都有改不了的习性。如果硬说要改，那是不可能，唯一的方法只有把自己变得更好。但我，依旧是那副脾性。
活在自己的世界里很简单，可以我行我素，不需要理会别人说什么，一样可以活得很开心。但是和别人相处就不一样了，要顾虑的事情很多，心里不高兴却不能明说，否则别人会误会。
说得太多，又怕有心人歪曲事实，什么都不说，只会让别人对你的误会越来越深，所以我选择在这里说，起码不那么多人会看见，也不会太公开。
事情在很早以前就已经浮出台面了，只是我害怕承认。我害怕承认我已经没有朋友了。朋友？还有谁？
妒嫉。老实说，我真的妒嫉。你们亲密得不得了，谈笑的时候像情人，所以我妒嫉。上课的时候我听着你们的笑闹，脑子里很空，握住笔抄笔记，手还是颤抖的，我根本不知道自己在抄些什么，眼眶热热地只想流泪。我终究还是个隐形人，既然我什么都不是，那我还有资格说什么吗？一个多余的人，说的话，作的事，都是多余的。
你们会否认，我知道，但是我的眼睛很诚实。它所看见的，只是两个相亲相爱得已经容不下别人的好朋友。他们无所不谈，甚至是私密事，但就是不告诉我。每次都要我表态了，要哭了，才说：“好啦好啦~我跟你讲啦~” 最后我变成了逼迫者，好像个讨资料的乞丐。我并没有逼他们做他们不愿意的事，也没有逼他们把所有的秘密都告诉我。我要求的只是那么一点点的自尊，我只是要求他们，不要在我面前作得太明显，如果不打算告诉我的话，那就趁我不在的时候说就好了，这样一来，我的眼睛看不见，心里也就好过一些。
刚才在上课，你们一直在说话，我都尽量假装听不见。但是没有用，我忍不住瞄了你们几眼，就再也看不下去了，心里很痛，你们的每一句话都像利爪，抓得我浑身是血，但是你们都不知道。你不是说友情一点都不珍贵的吗？从前的我不是觉得友情不珍贵，只是觉得友情不重要。开始时因为你们，我觉得友情很可贵，但是也因为你们，我不想再交什么朋友了。我很失望，为什么从小开始，围绕在我身边的朋友都只是把我当成陪衬人？我想起左拉写的《陪衬人》。在故事里，上流小姐出门时都喜欢带着一个相貌丑陋无比的女人。知道那是为了什么吗？就算那小姐相貌平庸，但当她和一个丑女结伴走在路上，人们会不禁多看两眼，然后拿她和那个丑女作比较。结果呢？ 因为存在着比较，一个人的丑就提高了另一个人的美。我想我自己也是这样的吧，就算他们不这么觉得，他们还是给了我这样的感觉。对，我顶多就只是个陪衬人，卑微地走在后面，结果呢？ 两个人的友好提高了另一个人的寂寞。道理不也是一样吗？
曾经有人对我说：“你们两个好像是在抢她哦~” 当时我一笑置之，但现在回想起来，还是会难过。自己以为不会发生的事还是会发生的，虽然我并没有“抢”她的意思，从开始到现在，从来没这么想过。我这个人不喜欢勉强别人，也不喜欢什么事都抢来抢去的，所以算了吧，他们既然是好朋友，那就用不着抢啊，是我自己受不了，我自己放弃。我不想再当那个介入别人之间的第三者了，我投降了。
I dunno what the hell was I doing just now...I dunno...walk a really long distance from school to TBR, wait at the roadside for nearly 20 mins for a bus to pass by like an idiot, take the bus to LRT stasion, and go to KLCC for a movie with them...ARGHHHHHHHHHHH~~~~~I DUNNO WHAT THE HELL WAS I DOING JUST NOW!!! All of these happened unexpectedly...initially u know...one of the trio-gang idiot was well-known enough for his immoral characteristics, and I had heard many interesting stories about him...It's just like he was borned in this world to be a deity...and i hate him and feel afraid for him since I know Abigail's story...but I had broke-up my rules and go to watch movie with them? Now i flashback the scenes I felt really sick...really really sick...feel like wanna vormit all my meals out...YUCK~!!!!!SO DISGUSTING!!! Actually if not Li quan, I won't go there, I SWEAR WITH MY LIFE. NO. NEVER. But yesterday we have a quarrel and I felt sorry for her today...she even threaten me leh~~~if I didn't accompany her to go with them, she will reckon me to still bothering yesterday's argue, and so I said: "okok...as you like...I will go..." so I go, and that's the most stupid decision that I've ever made!!! Fine...nevermind...but the worse thing hapened at LRT station...they grinning at me just because I turn myself around and dunno where I'm going to go, just as the moment i leaved the escalator...SORRY~~~~THOSE THREE IDIOTSSS NOW LISTEN HERE CAREFULLY: I KNOW WHAT AM I DOING THAT TIME OK...YOU DON"T HAVE TO LAUGH, BECAUSE WHAT I DID AT THAT MOMENT WAS JUST CAUSED BY ONE OF YOU. I THINK I DON'T HAVE TO MENTION YOUR NAME HERE, BUT YOU KNOW YOURSELF, IS THE DEITY THAT WALK IN FRONT OF ME AS I LEAVED THE ESCALATOR. AND BECAUSE OF YOU, BECAUSE I HATE UOU AND BEING AFRAID OF YOU, SO I DON'T WANT TO WALK BEHIND YOU OR IN FRONT OF YOU EITHER, BECAUSE I KNOW I HAVE TO STAY A QUITE SAFE DISTANCE FROM YOU...SINCE YOU'RE FRIGHTENING...AND AT THAT TIME YOU PASS BY ME TO SCAN YOUR TICKET, AND I"M THERE WAITING FOR YOU TO CROSS BY AND TRY HEADING TO ANOTHER DIRECTION TO GET TO THAT TICKET-SCANNER TOO...THEN ONLY YOU WILL SAW THAT SCENE...EVEN IF I REALLY DID THAT, LET'S SAY I'M REALLY STUPID LIKE THAT, WHAT'S THE POINT OF LAUGHING AT ME? I DON'T KNOW 3 OF YOU CAN LAUGH SO EASILY JUST BECAUSE OF SOMETHING THAT ARE NO FUNNY AT ALL...I MEANT...NOT LAUGHABLE AT ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! BUT 3 OF YOU MUST BE A GANG OF UNCIVILIZED PALEOLITIK PEOPLE WHO KNOW NOTHING...THAT'S THE ONLY REASONABLE REASON TO EXPLAIN WHY 3 OF YOU LAUGH...YOU DON'T HAVE TO DENY IT...FROM THE WAY YOU LAUGH I KNOW, AND IT DOES SHOW, HOW STUPID 3 OF YOU ARE. AND I HAVE TO EMPHASIZE HERE: THIS WILL BE THE FIRST TIME AND THE LAST TIME I GO OUT WITH YOU...NO NEXT TIME...
AFTER ALL THESE RIGHT...MY FEELINGS CAN ONLY BE EXPRESSED THROUGH "BAD DAY" SUNG BY DANIEL POWTER...BECAUSE THEY'RE REALLY ACT LIKE WHAT IN MY EXPECTATION, AND EVEN WORSE THAN THAT...NO WORDS CAN BE USE TO DESCRIBE ALL THESE, EXCEPT THOSE THREE WORDS FOR THREE OF YOU: I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Be true to urself...that's what i always said to myself and others. But Everyone has their difficulties, even me who holds this principle, is not excluded. So I try to think of a way to be honest to myself. You can do it with no problem, the problem is how to be honest to others. Be true to urself, many people can do that, but how many people can be true to others? Somtimes u're answering 'true' to others, but it may not be the truth. If you answer no way or something like that, people think that you're rude. I meant 'rude', but not 'true'. So how are you going to tell the truth to others without harm? Ok, maybe u're telling what's your idea, what's really on ur mind, but sometimes people didn't appreciate your honesty. Erm...certain people. And that's why misunderstood began. You didn't really meant it, but they found ur words is hard to be accepted, is hurting. But then if you choose to tell lie, u are going to sold urself out, and you will feel a kind of anxiety or uneasy or something like that, Except some people who don't feel that way.
So, some people are kind of struggle in choosing their pavements, either to pretending for the rest of their life or just tell the truth. To me, both are the same, it's just depends on individual's point of view. Tell lie didn't meant that you can get any benefit from that, and so do telling truth. So what for lying? You'll be regret at the last moment in your life, and it would be the last, the ending. You are unable to save anything or make anything change to their original state. All that you do, will not be appreciated. Be realisitic may help you to know the truth better-- you'll lose anything which you know you cannot lose. Reputation, fame, money, as soon as ur secret and lies revealed. Then at that time, are u going to ask for others' forgiveness or sympathy? Or just turn away and live a private life afterwards? You can be responsible for your own life, it depends on your willingness. If you choose to end the journey on pavements of lie, just put a fullstop on ur lie. But if you choose to continue ur life in lie, maybe you think you should put a coma to it, but i think it's not. You should put the symbol '?' to it. Because you should think that, and ask urself is that what you need to live a better life? And how far you can go with lie? This may be a hypothesis, but the conclusion must be the same. Observations are for wiser, and the variables are for doubters.
Paint my love --Michael Learns To Rock
From my youngest years
Till this moment here
I've never seen
Such a lovely queen
今天有好多好多事想说~~~
第一件~也是最倒胃口的一件~那个变态的低智商生物竟然想和我说话~拜托~我快吐出来了~呕~呕~
结果~哼~本小姐当然没搭理他说的疯言疯语~结果他一脸不高兴地走开了~也好~省了麻烦事儿~
第二件~拜托~倒胃口的程度与第一件也差不远~~今天婆婆回老家了~我少了个私人司机，只好和方老师一起等巴士~唉~巴士是来了~但是我看见了我不想看见的人~心里火冒三丈~那个美杜萨~
~好想掉头就走~换德士好了，本小姐又不是没钱~但是这样岂不是告诉他们我很心虚？！不行~不行~不能就这样走~巴士就巴士吧~不和他们说话不就得了？美杜萨看见我，脸色大变~我一想到她头上缠绕着的千万条毒蛇我心里就直打哆嗦~好冷哟~~
~结果~全程零交流~到了巴士站~我满心喜悦~好了好了~我安全了！！！
~~~但是我知道她一定会在背后放暗箭，耍花样儿~这会儿不知是眼泪攻势还是无敌口水之谗言攻势了~如果她选择两者兼施，那我可就有够受的了~
第三件~不是什么倒胃口的事，但却一直让我举棋不定~
i should make myself calm down...my god...everytime after watching movie then i'll be like that...and i just can't sit still on the chair! I need a walk in my room, and bring my breathing back to normal. Last time i think is about one month ago, I watched 'Titanic' again...and that's the 4th time I watch it....and oh my, the result is all the same for these 4 times....my tears rolling down and running nose just like a non-stop flowing tap...with great potential energy...and wow...for this time is the another gathering for Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in the movie 'The Revolutionary Road', fortunately I didn't cry...or weeping...just that I felt really uneasy...and the feelings of...i dunno how to describe...but I'm shivering throughout the whole movie, and I felt myself is going to faint...oh my oh my...
actually i dunno how to start...erm...but Leo and kate are just too amazing! Initially I expect the film to be a comedy, but then only I realize that my hypothesis is totally wrong. What a sad movie and sad ending! I expect them to be get along again, but then April died! I dunno whether this is true, becoz there's no obvious sentences saying that she is died...but i guess she may have die...from the look on Leo's face after hearing from a doctor, and from the way he ran all along the street i guess i know what happened edy...i didn't expect the ending to be like this...and i felt myself cold now...
well...there're many argue scenes in this film, and three quarter of them are the argue between Leo and Kate...no no no...actually is between Frank and April...what about arguing with a big man? All i saw is that Frank don't even understand what April thinking of...and...i felt a kind of sympathy for April...the day when she is going to take off her child herself...She said morning to Frank...made breakfast for him...smiling at him while hearing his explanation...help him to tidy up his tie...even though they had a big argue last night...all that happened so accidentally and suddenly...and i guess something is wrong with April...after Frank gone to work, she broke down and cry finally...and that i know what will happen next...she bring two towels and laid them onto the floor of the bathroom...and she shut the door...i wonder if she really make up her mind of taking off her child...but then i saw blood dropping on the floor and...the red stain grew bigger and bigger behind her skirt...and that time...i couldn't speak...i just kept on uttering:"oh my~oh my~"...to my shock...she finally did that...and she is such a brave woman! Throughout this whole movie, I found one of her obvious character, that is, brave...she dare to act according to what she had once said before...she really meant it...in this case, i respect her...i do wish i can be just like her...smile to Frank just like nothing happen...do as what she had once said before...but i'm not...i couldn't be like her...most of the time i'm just like a little mouse...
I felt sorry for Frank, too...ya...he had made mistakes...but not all of them...he is such a big man...and April is such a brave decision-maker...this gives hints to the tragedic ending of this film...april is finally on the road of revolution, but meanwhile, she had paid a great price for it...
I still can't get myself calm down...at least right now...i can feel my heart pumping here and there irregularly, and i guess i will suffer from insomnia tonight...with my brain all stuffed with April and Frank...oh my god...
"Take Me To Your Heart" --- Michael Learns To Rock
Hiding from the rain and snow
Trying to forget but I won't let go
Looking at a crowded street
i wonder why...a friend of u hate u...and u ask him to delete u since he hate u...and after some time...he apologize to u...n add u as friend again...i felt boring and meaningless with this delete-and-add game...very ridiculous and the situation change in the speed so fast that is out of imagination. I still dun know why...
sometimes it's hard to understand how should i survive in this blemished world...n it doesn't seem that u treat others good, then you'll get the same reward...no~absolutely not...depends on the kind of people u met. And so, with the kind of people as kind and gentle as him, and, with the kind of people as evil and pervert like her, i don't think i can stay in peace, until i leave...
and now, the problem came. He add me as his friend again but then i feel hard to press on 'accept'. Quite hard. I dunno what to do at first, when I saw the friend request last night. The result is, I kept staring at the computer screen for nearly 20 minutes but still can't figure out what to do. Finally, I gave up the war of mind struggling and crept into my warm bedding. Only my pillow and Rocorn can give me the kind of consolation i needed.
Well, you know what's mind-struggling? It's almost like a mentally ill, i think, where u can't bear with the situation anymore and u felt urself broken down. That's exactly what I faced last night, and, there're 2 side of me, giving 2 different directions. The angel said:" well, forget all those unhappiness, and you'll find happiness. You do this for peace, it's not only for ur own good, but also others. Accept~Accept~..." While the evil said:" No~dun gave up ur war spirit so easily. Everyone hav to pay for all the things they've done...no exception. Imagine how he treat u before, becoz of her, and ur suffers. You must revenge, for all the things he've done."
But then...Uh-huh~I can't sleep the whole night, and i felt exhausted...My god~~~why you play such a trick on me? I dunno how should i react...cry or smile foolishly, but honestly, both happened simultaneously. And after one night of struggling, i pressed 'accept' finally...but what's on my mind now is that i didn't feel like he's my friend AT ALL...and that troubled me...a people like me...is not the kind of people that can recovered fast, or the kind of people that have harm you before, but then still smiling at you as if she is friendly.
I felt gald that you showed understanding towards my points.
And, consequently, I feel better now...
But then can't you realise that my smile is just FAKE? and mostly, PRETENDING?
I can't figure it out clearly althought it's profoundly...my feelings...
I smile mainly because I want to make myself happy,
